By Shae Hadden | Bio
I was talking with a friend recently about our parents, about what we’re observing in their health as they grow older and what we think is possible for them in terms of living arrangements. I think a lot of Boomers are in this same conversation these days. A few things we discussed got me wondering about how ‘true’ any of our thinking about health issues in later life really is for our parents. I began to ask myself whether we are fully present and mindful about this…or whether we are caught up in stories about what is possible as we grow older that limit their future (and ours).
Do we listen to medical authorities mindlessly and base our choices (and our parents’ possibilities) upon their advice? By listening mindlessly, I mean assuming that the test results and probabilites and statistics that authorities use in diagnosing and predicting the future for someone are ‘fact’. They are not. They are simply compilations of historical data from many individuals that are oriented towards extrapolating a possible future for one individual. What many of us forget is each individual is not "us". Each human being experiences their health differently every moment of their life…and it is their individual experience alone that matters. We need to listen to our parents’ experience of their health and wellbeing and help them to inquire rigorously into the context of the information medical authorities present before making choices that will affect the rest of their lives.
Do we limit what is possible in our own lives as our parents grow older based on the ‘warnings’ of our peers about what being a caregiver involves? Many of us tend to naturally assume the role of ‘caregiver’ when an older family member requires assistance. Warnings from our friends who are currently caregivers can include advice to be prepared to "give up something in your life in order to create more time for caregiving", "have sufficient financial resources available to help out", or "modify your housing arrangements". If we start making choices for our lives based on their experiences and well-meaning suggestions, we (perhaps unwittingly) perpetuate whatever choices they have made. Again, we need to be fully present with what is happening with our own parents and their intentions for growing older. Talking openly with them about our concerns regarding their health, living arrangements and wellbeing (as well as our health and wellbeing) would give us an opportunity to create an experience of growing older together that allows for everyone to be satisfied and happy.
Do we only see ‘options’ that are ‘inside the box’ for our aging parents in terms of coping with changes in their physical capabilities? When looking at their circumstances, we may unwittingly focus on searching for ‘solutions’ that quickly and easily get rid of or alleviate the problem for them (and/or us). For example, when we see a parent struggling to walk with a cane, we may want to help by giving them a walker or a scooter so they can move faster and more easily (a common story about what’s possible in this situation put forward in our culture). However, opting for one of these ‘inside-the-box solutions’ is not mindful of their experience of walking and may not respectful their desire for independence. Other ideas, like taking time to walk with them, getting them a dog to walk, or inviting someone younger to walk and talk with them regularly, may not appear to us as being possible.
As my father grows older, these questions gain more prominence in my daily thinking. By taking the time to rigorously examine the little conversation in my head that tells me what is possible for him as he ages, I
can begin to reveal what stories about aging and health I believe. It’s only then that I can begin to imagine and entertain new possibilities for him (and myself).
© 2009 Shae Hadden. All rights reserved.