By Don Arnoudse
Bio
I
read a very sad story about Richard W. Daly, a former member of the
Massachusetts House of Representatives, in the Boston Globe last week.
Under the headline “Legislator faded away, died alone” was the report that he had been found next to his bed by his landlord. He had been dead about a week. The Globe reported:
was a 32-year-old freshman legislator, impeccably dressed in a
pinstripe suit, crisp button-down shirt, and bow tie, when he strode
through the halls of the State House almost 40 years ago…. Those who
knew Daly then have been remembering that part of his life as they
prepare to bury a man who apparently left no money for his own funeral
and had no known relatives to claim his body…a virtual recluse (who had
been) living in a $130-a-week rooming house."
We
live in a country that deifies the hardy, self-sufficient
individual—the person who asks for nothing, owes nobody anything, and
“does it their own way” without compromising to others. We have
extended our legal definition of individual rights to an overall
definition of what it means to be human. Bad mistake.
My friend Mark introduced me to the traditional African concept of ubuntu, a very different philosophy that focuses on people’s relations and allegiances with each other. Loose translations of ubuntu
from the original Bantu include “I am because we are” and “A person
becomes human through other persons”. Thinking from this place, I
believe that ‘who I am’ is made possible only through my relationships
with others.
A popular maxim of the typical American self-help
guru is to “take care of yourself first”. A virtual glorification of
extreme self-care! Get yourself together, then you can take care of
others. First, focus on you, then pay attention to your relationships.
I think they have it backwards.
I say to make relationships
your top priority. Understand, deeply, how you are connected to
everyone else. Invest yourself in the lives of others. Be generous with
your time. Be sensitive to others’ needs. Make offers wherever you can
to help people. Accept, with gratitude, the offers of others. Cultivate
intimate heart-felt conversations. Be in relationship with people who
help you see yourself more clearly through different eyes. Be curious
and explore how others observe differently the things that you
experience together. Know the exhilaration of deep human connection and
the stimulation of diversity.
I am who I am because of my relationships with others.
I am a leader because others choose to follow.
I love because others love me.
I learn when others teach me.
I am confident when I am acknowledged.
I grow when others push me and entice me into new fields of knowledge.
I am joyful when I experience the rush of gratitude I feel when surrounded by friends and family.
I feel relevant and respected when others listen to me and pay attention.
I glow when I know I have made a difference in the life of another.
I
don’t intend to just fade away by retreating into solitude. I don’t
want to die alone. In choosing where to put my time, I will choose
relationships. I’m under no illusion about the path of
self-sufficiency.
You make me who I am, so I choose to be with you…and you…and you.